“Happy B-day Andre 3000! He's lived forever?!”

“One more perm after tonight. #permweek :/”

“Since when was there a law against having sex with prostitutes? #fallonmono”

“Healthy food is scary in the midwest.”

“How is Trump running late for his own show?”

“Sorry Lakers... #like”

“Why does anyone fight? #woah”

“Someone had a $16 billion dollar wedding? #dislike?”

“Everyone's already dead? #housefinale”

“Whose holding Holder's stuff?”

“I got a wicked vowel movement.”

“Higgins is traumatized by AI too. ”

“Don't be #LATE to the first show! @ArsenioOFFICIAL ”

“Take that, Monday audience!”

“Very #24 like tonight! Thanks @HowardMGordon @killen8!”